Fix-it relationships

“I only seem to be able to attract broken women and I don’t know what that says about me.”

Only attracting broken partners both says not a damn thing, and everything.

The easy answer: Stop accepting/pursuing fix-it relationships, if that isn’t what you want. We attract what we feel, the patterns we live, and who we are within. Like attracts like. Why else do you learn from the relationships you have had? How can you, if they are not reflections of you?

It doesn’t make you bad not to want to deal with baggage, but realize that there will allllways be baggage. We’re all people, and as much as you don’t need to be fixing whoever-s/he-is, whoever-s/he-is shouldn’t need to fix you, either. People often mirror the worlds they build.

On another note, if you love whoever-s/he-is, sometimes broken just needs fixed. Does broken have to mean unfixable, impossible, or unhealthy? If codependence is the issue, then yeah – avoid that. But if that brokenness is not your partner’s “natural state” – then it might be worth hanging in there.

One of the most powerful things you can do for your partner is simply to listen. Just listen. LISTEN TO THEM. Don’t sit there waiting to say something witty. Sit there and wait as they pour their heart out to you, shed those gut-wrenching tears, and let go of the broken past they’ve lived.

That was one of the most meaningful things my Fox has done for me. I felt unlovable, and unworthy, and beyond repair, and just… sad. As much as I don’t like to let things “get to me” by passing them off as “I’m better than the depression it takes to feel this,” I’ve held back a lot of grief over the years.

“Broken” isn’t a quality that happens overnight. Being a dumbass, letting anger get the best of you rather than constructively expressing it, and giving up are overnight qualities. Broken, though – that takes some doing for the human condition to reach.

The best way to fix broken? Provide genuine compassion. This doesn’t mean to coddle, or let them become selfish and yourself resent them for needing; it means to show understanding. Help them reflect. Be a sounding board. Give them the affection they need to come back ’round to who they truly are.

No, you can’t fix them – the thing is, they can fix themselves. Stop trying to fix them. Help them find the answers. Help them be the exact person they are in their soul. Don’t put them on the defensive, it only serves to bring the “I’m okay, really” masks. If they are who you love, then just love them.

The good news, though, it is easy to love. It’s just harder to accept that it is easy to do. And another thing, in giving love – don’t be afraid to love yourself. And don’t be afraid to let the one(s) you love to love you back. To really give love, you must also be willing to receive it and to give it to yourself.


About jlnp
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